Mostly banana related material

Friday, July 14, 2006

The Greatest Superhero of all time for right now.

There is a lot of buzz nowadays around Superheroes. Superhero that, Superhero this. My Super ex-superhero. Nobody seems to be paying enough attention to the greatest living Superhero around today though.
Mark Murphy.

A couple of facts about Mark Murphy:

Mark Murphy sleeps 25 hours an hour.
Mark Murphy dreams in various different shades of French cuisine.
Mark Murphy exists only in your wildest reality.
Mark Murphy can bench press over 13 billion electrons.
If there was a fire, and Mark Murphy was somehow involved, not only did he probably start it, he INVENTED it.
Mark Murphy coined the phrase "Retard baby blues."
In the beginning there was Earth, wind, and fire. But then Mark Murphy came along.
Mark Murphy's entire skeleton is made of the unbreakable material, "spirit."
Mark Murphy enjoys lemonade.
The Moon used to be a nice place to live, Mark Murphy used to summer there. But then one day, this dumbass kid was like "yo Batman is way better than Mark Murphy," and Mark Murphy was like well that's just your opinion, and this kid was like no way dude, Batman could kill you, and Mark Murphy was like well be that as it may, I don't know if it constitutes being "better" than someone, and this kid was like I think he's better than you. It was awkward for a moment and then Mark Murphy left never to return again. The kid later died of natural causes and the neighborhood fell apart. Coincidence?
Mark Murphy once killed a raccoon with a pistol. The raccoon had the pistol.
The greatest trick Mark Murphy ever pulled was making the world think he doesn't exist.
Mark Murphy made his fortune as a depression era singer/song writer last year.
Mark Murphy has a pet elephant nobody has ever seen before.
Mark Murphy makes chocolate taste sexier.
A single shot of Mark Murphy's semen can feed the entire state of Rhode Island for three years.
Mark Murphy fights children for fun and rarely loses.
Mark Murphy's ONE weakness is weapons.

Did you know that if you kill an angel, you have to become one?

It's true. I was on my way to the Korean food mart around the block from me when I was completely blind sided by this urge to listen to New Order. I looked away from the road to adjust my iPod for, honestly, what felt like a second, but was probably closer to several minutes. Near the end of the fourth or so minute, I felt the unmistakeable crunch of skeletal tissue and feathers. My first instinct was to get out and finish the job, so I reached into my glove compartment and grabbed my nine, right? I hadn't put a bullet in the brain of a moribund pidgeon in some time (at that point in time) so I was a little giddy, but the butterfly suspended stomach inside me dropped when I saw what I had actually hit: A family of Angels.

That's strange, I thought to myself and cocked my gun, I didn't know Angels were pussies.

Here's a funny aside to break up the tension: Did you know Angels bleed twinkie cream? It's true, and black Angels bleed crushed up biscuits, but that's a story for another time.

So I put two bullets in the divine skulls of the suffering creatures and searched their diapers for cash. Angels are some poor motherfuckas cause they dint have shit. I jumped back in my El Camino and continued on my way. In retrospect, I was probably an Angel already, I just didn't realize it. But the clincher came when I farted and heard harps and smelled fresh linen. Anyway, blah, blah, divinity, blah, blah, got wings, blah, blah, blah high fived God, blah, blah, blah, I'm a friggin Angel.

So. Moral of the story is, don't ever kill an entire family of Angels lest you become one.

Ban Anna's! Ban Anna's! Ban Anna's!

Really, I just want to post photos.